he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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