Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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