I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
