I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dignity is for republicans.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
