bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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