Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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