I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
