dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He better not be in your backpack
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize