fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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