You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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