turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
