So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
