Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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