yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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