I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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