Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
