Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want nice things and good sex
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
