I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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