Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
