we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize