So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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