If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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