I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize