nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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