My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
