it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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