I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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