I didn't shave. On purpose
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
