You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
