Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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