I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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