happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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