Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
