what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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