dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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