By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
