I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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