K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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