dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
