peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
