Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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