in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
