I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I believe in your delicious
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
