FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
