Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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