I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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