He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
