I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize