I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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