Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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