Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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