I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
