see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Randomize
