he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
