if i can run in heels then i can drive
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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