sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize