oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize