Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
