Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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