She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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