Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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