is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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