I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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