I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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