These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize