its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
