i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
