If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
